Si Vis Pacem Read online

  I know that things are as they are and there is no point being upset about it, but it’s weird to see Kris out and about and not being able to talk to him. We don’t even acknowledge that we know each other. I try not to stare at him when I see him, but it’s hard. Our paths don’t cross that often, so it isn’t much of a practical problem, but every time we are in the same place at the same time I wish he could just walk up to me and kiss me, or talk to me at least. I fantasize about it all the time, so much that when it really happens I can’t quite believe it.

  I’m sitting in the refectory with Dee, just finishing lunch. When Kris gets up and starts walking in our direction I assume he’s going to talk to somebody who just happens to be sitting between us. He doesn’t stop, though: he just keeps walking towards us, getting closer and closer. I keep thinking I must be seeing things, because this kind of thing just doesn’t happen. I only believe my eyes when Dee turns around to look at where I’m staring and I can tell from her expression that she can see him too. Maybe he is going to kiss me. Maybe he is going to ask me to go public with him. Just thinking about it makes me realize how much I want it to happen, how big of a moment it would be for me, how my head might have accepted the way things are, but my heart never did.

  When he finally looks at me, from a few feet away, the bubble that had been building up in my chest bursts. Whatever it is, it’s not good news.

  He stops right by our table. He only acknowledges Dee’s presence with a tiny nod. He barely acknowledges me, too. He doesn’t try to touch me or even smile at me. He just stands there, looking oddly menacing. When he finally speaks, his voice is dripping in suppressed fury.

  “Go to your room. Now.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Some shit is going to go down. I don’t know how far it will go.”

  “What do you mean, “how far”?”

  “I don’t know how far it will spread and how bad it will get. I want you to go to your room, shut your bloody door, and keep it shut whatever happens.”

  “No way. If you’re in the middle of it…”

  “I need you to stay out of it. I’ve got shit to do.”

  “So you think I’m useless?”

  “No.” He clenches and unclenches his fists a few times. “I think that I don’t have time to argue the toss with you, because shit is about to go off. I think you need to fucking listen for once and do as you’re told. If you want to help me you’ll keep yourself out of it.”

  “That’s all I am to you? Dead weight?”

  A muscle starts to twitch in his jaw. “Is that what I just said? If you won’t listen to me, at least listen to yourself. You’re sounding… Oh, fuck, I do not have time for this. It’s about to kick off. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t get me killed if it’s all the same to you, OK?”

  “Killed?”

  “If someone hurts you or even tries to, I’ll kill the fucker and that’ll get me spaced. But hey, you just go ahead and do whatever the fuck you want to do, as always.” He turns around and stalks off.

  Dee is staring at me with her mouth open.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I just get why you’re so into him, I guess.”

  “Oh yeah? And why is that?”

  “You’re both assholes, in general and to each other.”

  “Thank you for that.”

  “Any time. So, what are we going to do?”

  I get up. “Get to our room and work out a way to wedge the fucking door shut. You heard him. I don’t want him to get hurt.”

  “But you wouldn’t think twice about wading in there and getting yourself hurt.”

  “Of course not. I’d help if I could, but I can’t, so I won’t. What’s that got to do with anything?”

  She shakes her head. “Yeah. You’re the same brand of asshole, for sure.”

  We dump our lunches and head to our room. The hallways are still empty so we get there in no time, which is just as well because it takes me forever to rig a way to keep the door shut. We have no tools or materials – we hardly have anything, really – so it’s easier said than done, but I finally manage by ripping the bottom off one of my drawers and wedging it in the gap the door slides into. I am going to get skinned alive for damaging Fed property, but I couldn’t think of any other way of doing it.

  I’ve literally just finished when Dee pipes up. “Honey, are you sure about this? If nothing happens and we miss classes we’ll get into terrible trouble.”

  I sit down on my heels. “Now you tell me? Now that I’ve finally got this sorted?”

  “I’m just thinking… I don’t know. I don’t know what could go on that would need us to hide like this. I’ve been here for nearly six years and I never…”

  Distant screaming cuts her off. It doesn’t stay distant for long, either. Normally I’d take the time to tell her what I think of her doubts, but I’m too wound up for that right now. Whatever is going on sounds intense and unpleasant and Kris is out in it.

  Dee reads my mind or my face and comes to sit next to me with her arm over my shoulder. “Honey, he will be OK.”

  I snort. “You don’t know that.”

  “He knows what he’s doing.”

  “You don’t know that either.”

  “If anyone hurts him, I’ll help you kill them.”

  I think about that. “That wouldn’t stop him being hurt.”

  “But it’d make you feel better.”

  “Truth. Dee, I wish I was out there.”

  “I don’t. But I get you.”

  We sit and wait, listening to the chaos outside. Every now and then the noise gets louder, as if whatever is going on was coming up our hallway, but it never reaches our door. After a few minutes the screaming intensifies, and Dee and I find ourselves floating in the air.

  “What the fuck?”

  “They turned the g-force off, honey. They do it when shit really hits the fan. It’s harder for people to kill each other while they’re floating.”

  “That makes sense. Do you think it’s over, then?”

  “I don’t know. It will depend on how long it takes them to round everybody up. You need to get yourself over to your bunk, though.”

  “Why?”

  The reason hits me before Dee has a chance to answer: the g-force is restored and slams me right into the floor.

  Whatever they did seems to have worked: it’s gone quiet out there, bar a few moans and groans. I find myself holding my breath, straining to hear what’s going on, but I can’t work it out. I’m so focused on what’s happening in the distance that the banging on our door nearly makes me jump out of my skin.

  “Open up!”

  It’s Kris’ voice. I rip off the crap jamming the door without even thinking about it. When I can finally open it and I see him standing there I nearly drown in relief until I notice the details: he’s bleeding from his nose and mouth and his uniform is torn – no, it’s slashed, those are slashes all over him. I am about to freak out when he barges into the room, closes the door behind him, and kisses me hard. He swears when his lips touch mine, and I taste blood, but he doesn’t stop. I want to take a good look at him to see how badly he’s hurt, but he doesn’t let me. He only stops kissing me to push me towards the bunks.

  “You’re on top?”

  “What?” Dee and I say that in unison.

  “I need somewhere to hide. They’re rounding everybody up. Which is your bunk?”

  “Top. But…”

  “Come on!”

  He gives me a push towards the ladder. Dee is just standing there, staring at me, mouth hanging open. I give her a shrug on the way to my bunk. She grumbles while she makes her way to hers. I’m not surprised and I can’t disagree with her. We have never discussed the possibility of any kind of carryings-on taking place in our room for the simple reason that neither of us would consider doing something like that. I can’t stop this, though: I feel as if I’m caught in a vortex and I can’t pull myself out. All I can do is go along with it.


  Kris climbs up to the bunk and slides next to me. We have precisely as much space as we have when we’re in his room, but the bed rail on my bunk makes it feel much smaller. Knowing that Dee is merely a few feet away, able to hear everything, makes me feel positively claustrophobic.

  Kris is still bleeding. I make a couple of attempts at checking him out but he doesn’t let me. He keeps taking my hands off his face and putting them elsewhere, which would absolutely not be a problem with me if he wasn’t dripping blood all over my pillow. When he takes his top off I get a chance to check him for cuts, at least. He has a couple of slashes on his arms but they don’t look deep. I can’t take a good look at them because he won’t stay still. He keeps running his hands over me, tugging at my uniform, leaving a trail of fire wherever he touches my skin. I have just about lost all memory of his injuries, as well as half my clothes, when an almighty scream tears the air.

  “Pax! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  Kris smirks at me, gives me a lingering kiss, and pushes me towards the edge of the bed.

  “Nothing, Supervisor.”

  “What do you mean, “nothing?” Do you think I can’t see him up there? You lot get down. Now!”

  I manage to get myself relatively presentable as I’m crawling towards the ladder. Kris doesn’t really try; he slides his arms into his top without even doing it up and climbs down in his underwear. That does nothing to appease the Supervisor. For an instant I wonder whether she’s pissed off because she finds his presence offensive or because she finds him hot, then I have to stop daydreaming because she’s screaming at me and waving her stun baton under my nose.

  “Explain yourself!”

  I take a deep breath and steeple my hands against my chin. “Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…”

  Her face turns puce. “Don’t you dare! What is this boy doing here?”

  “That’s what I was getting to.”

  “How did he get here?”

  Kris shrugs. “I walked.”

  “In the middle of a riot? A riot involving your corridor, too?”

  “Seemed like a good idea. Nobody was paying any attention. I figure I’d take my chance.”

  Her eyes narrow. “This is bullshit. What have you been up to?”

  I take a step forward. “Me, Supervisor. That’s all he’s been up.”

  It takes her a while to work out what I meant, and when she does she nearly blows a gasket, but she manages to calm herself down. That’s a damn shame: I don’t want her thinking too hard about this.

  “If he’s been here all along, how do you explain the state of his face? He’s got a split lip!”

  I shrug. “He likes it a bit rough.”

  “He what?”

  “I think it’s something to do with his early conditioning. I keep telling him he ought to talk to someone about it, but you know how men are.”

  The Supervisor goes puce again and turns towards Dee.

  “Do you have anything to say about this?”

  “Well, I’m not happy about it. None of it.”

  “I couldn’t care less about that! What has been going on here?”

  Dee opens her eyes as wide as they will go. “You want me to tell you what they were doing?”

  “Yes!”

  “Sorry, but I was doing my best not to know. No offense to none of y’all, but the whole heterosexual sex thing is not terribly appealing, if you ask me. It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t tend to involve a penis.” She cringes. “I don’t know how you people do it.”

  Kris frowns. “Are you saying my dick is gross or something?”

  Dee flaps her hands about. “It’s nothing personal. I’m sure your dick is just splendid, as dicks go. I mean, Alya seems to want to spend all her free time around it. Literally. They’re just not my thing. Sorry.” She turns back to the Supervisor. “So, anyway, I was doing my best not to see, but I couldn’t help hearing it. It started out with a lot of slurping noises…”

  “Enough!” bellows the Supervisor. “Enough of this kind of talk!”

  We mumble a chorus of “yeses.” It calms her down enough not to burst a blood vessel or bludgeon us into a pulp, but she’s not happy with us.

  “I am very disappointed in all of you, taking advantage of the situation like that. Did you think you could get away with it just because we were busy? You should be ashamed of yourselves.” She turns to look at me. “Were it anyone else but you, I’d report the lot of you immediately. I am overlooking this because I do not want to mar your record for a first offence. I am giving you a second chance, but I will be keeping a close eye on you from now on, and so will my colleagues. And you,” she pokes Kris in the chest with her stick, thankfully without turning the charge on, “you can go back where you belong. Unless you need medical attention, in which case you can get in line with half the school.”

  He grins. “I’ve never felt better.”

  “Then get! I never want to see you in this corridor again, you hear me?”

  Kris nods at her, takes his sweet time putting his clothes on, and walks out. The Supervisor stays in our room staring at us with her arms crossed and her forehead bunched for so long that I am sure she must be giving herself a headache. When she finally walks out, Dee slumps on her bed.

  “That was lucky.”

  “Lucky? Nah. I’m their star pupil, remember? If she fucks up my record, she fucks the school’s record. Thank you, though. For everything.”

  “Oh, honey. You’re talking like an actual human being. With feelings.”

  “Not bloody likely. But I probably won’t see him for a few days, not until the security measures are back to normal. I’m glad I could see him today.”

  “You really love him, don’t you?”

  My throat closes up. “I like him well enough.”

  “Sure, but do you love him?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “But honey…”

  “No. Look, we’ve had a good day. Don’t spoil it.”

  They don’t let us out of our rooms that night. We have to ask permission even to go to the ‘fresher, and they only let us go two at a time. That slows down the process so much that by the time it’s our turn it’s the middle of the bloody night. Dee is so tired that she falls asleep in the shower. I know this because she has a nightmare, and I know that because she starts screaming like she’s been stabbed.

  I rush to her shower stall and try to calm her down, but I can’t. She doesn’t seem to see me or hear me. She’s on the floor in a heap, bawling her eyes out, and nothing I do or say gets through to her. A Supervisor comes in and starts screaming at her. I’m not sure how screaming at a panicking person is supposed to help, but that’s people for you. A crowd of girls congregates behind the Supervisor, peering through the door. I guess the prospect of a sideshow is worth the trouble they could get into for breaking curfew. Having a bloody audience is about as helpful as a dose of the flu, but Dee is too worked up to see them. I do my best to ignore them and focus on getting through to her. I just repeat the same words in the same flat tone, again and again, until she can hear me.

  “You just had a bad dream.”

  She shakes her head. “Kris is dead. You’re falling apart. Everything is.”

  “No, Dee. Look at me: I’m right here. Everything is OK. It was a dream.”

  She clutches me to her so tight it hurts. “It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt real. It felt real, and everything was awful, and you were hurting so much, and I couldn’t help you. I couldn’t do anything! All I could do was watch you hurt!”

  The tears are rolling down her face and her sobbing is getting worse.

  “Dee, you’ve got to calm down. I’m sure it felt real, but it was a dream. Look at me. I’m OK. Kris is OK, as far as I know. There is no reason why he wouldn’t be. If something had gone down, we’d have heard about it.”

  She chokes down her tears. “But honey, I saw it
.”

  “I know you did. Look, just try to settle down, OK? We can go back to our room, maybe get some sleep. It’s only a few hours to breakfast. You’ll be able to see him then. If he doesn’t turn up, we’ll ask about him.”

  Her panic is starting to get to me. The recent upheaval wasn’t major, but it was an upheaval. The chance of someone breaking into the G section and murdering Kris while he is surrounded by his people, are minimal. The chances of one of his people turning on him are almost nil. Neither is impossible, though, and thinking about it is tying a knot in my stomach. The Supervisor still bellowing behind me isn’t improving my mood.

  Dee wipes the tears off her face and grabs my hands.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. It was just so real.”

  “I know. I get it. You’re alright. Just calm down, OK? Let’s get out of here.”

  We walk out of the ‘fresher back to our room. The Supervisor follows us, haranguing us all the way. Everybody, and I mean literally every single fucking person in this fucking corridor, is staring at us through their doors. I have this urge to growl at them, but I make myself focus on Dee, who’s still all over the place.

  When we get back to our room I put Dee in her bed. The Supervisor has either run out of breath or interest, because she finally fucks off. As soon as she’s out the door I get under the covers with Dee. I settle myself down next to her and I can feel her body relax slightly. There isn’t enough room for us to get comfortable, but she’s in no fit state to be left alone and this feels kinda good. Mostly I just wish she could calm down and get some rest, or that I could remove the knot of worry she put inside me.

 

 

 

  “We can deal with that if it happens.>

 

 

 

 

 

 

  She lets off the tiniest of giggles.